A Revaluation of All Values
With the holidays behind us, it's time for some serious reflection. No, not upon the wonders or pains of last year, but on the things that annoyed us most and why we tolerate them.
Don't get me wrong: I had a terrific Christmas. But it's the season that brings certain well-entrenched social responsibilities, and these things always get me asking the question, "Why?"
Friedrich Nietzsche began his work Beyond Good and Evil with a question: "Suppose we want truth: why not rather untruth? and uncertainty? even ignorance?" The prejudice in favor of "truth" is so strong that we never even bother to ask why. And so, inspired by this and adopting a title reminiscent of Nietzsche's own all-questioning, I propose to undertake a reappraisal of all manners. This can hardly hope be exhaustive, or even terribly critical, but I feel that it must be done.
I shall endeavor, in this post and hopefully others, to describe some common features of polite society, undermine them, and reconstruct what I consider to be the correct behavior. Your comments, as always, are very welcome. Let's begin.
BEHAVIOR #1: SENDING CHRISTMAS CARDS
This is a time-honored and, let's face it, nice thing to do. It takes time, energy, and money to send out cards, and helps you stay in touch with friends and family. But if this is so, why do I receive so many effectively blank cards, the ones that only say something pre-printed like, "Merry Christmas! Love, The Smith Family"? These serve no function other than to say, "I am alive, and here is my current address." Even the ones with handwritten addresses and salutations are of little use--I appreciate the (modestly) personal touch, but how does this help me keep in contact with you? Better, and cheaper, to just send an email if all you want to do is say "Merry Christmas" and include no more information.
My family does send out cards with pre-printed labels. But we also enclose a current photo of the kids and a letter of how our year has gone. In this way we hope to add value to the communication. This, I feel, is a much better way to "keep in touch" with loved ones. Therefore,
Revised Behavior #1: When sending out Christmas/holiday cards, be sure to add value with a personal message, photo, or something similar. Otherwise, don't bother.
BEHAVIOR #2: DON'T START EATING UNTIL EVERYONE IS SERVED
This one has been bothering me for years. Clearly, you don't want to kill a pleasant conversation by being the only one to dive into your food, and you don't want to gloat about how you have food while others don't. Nevertheless, speaking as an entirely amateur cook, I think this one is misguided, for a couple of reasons:
BEHAVIOR #3: BRINGING FOOD OR WINE TO DINNERS OR PARTIES
This is widely regarded as the "Nice thing to do," since you're trying to relieve the stress of the host's duties. However, unless I'm throwing a potluck, I've planned what I want to serve and when I want to serve it. The insertion of foreign matter only complicates things. Not long ago we threw a hamburgers-and-hot-dogs barbecue to which one well-intentioned guest brought an entire chicken to roast. Even if it's just a matter of someone bringing over a plate of cookies, it's entirely possible that this will throw a carefully planned serving area out of whack.
Wine is the worst. I have some appreciation of wine; therefore, when I serve a meal I try to match the wine to the dish--almost as if it were its own course. So what should I do if, as a host, I'm serving a rib roast and someone brings a watery Sauvignon Blanc? The pressure to open and serve the proffered wine is strong.
Revised Behavior #3: Call your host well before the event and ASK if you can bring something. Do NOT bring food or beverage unless you are asked. If you absolutely must bring wine, be prepared for your host to consider it a present to be consumed at another time.
Many, many more such examples are possible...one day, we will be able to cast off the chains that have bound us and live again as free men and women in a society that will be thoughtfully polite.
Technorati Tags:
Politeness, Manners, Rude, Behavior, Entertaining, Nietzsche, Values
Don't get me wrong: I had a terrific Christmas. But it's the season that brings certain well-entrenched social responsibilities, and these things always get me asking the question, "Why?"
Friedrich Nietzsche began his work Beyond Good and Evil with a question: "Suppose we want truth: why not rather untruth? and uncertainty? even ignorance?" The prejudice in favor of "truth" is so strong that we never even bother to ask why. And so, inspired by this and adopting a title reminiscent of Nietzsche's own all-questioning, I propose to undertake a reappraisal of all manners. This can hardly hope be exhaustive, or even terribly critical, but I feel that it must be done.
I shall endeavor, in this post and hopefully others, to describe some common features of polite society, undermine them, and reconstruct what I consider to be the correct behavior. Your comments, as always, are very welcome. Let's begin.
BEHAVIOR #1: SENDING CHRISTMAS CARDS
This is a time-honored and, let's face it, nice thing to do. It takes time, energy, and money to send out cards, and helps you stay in touch with friends and family. But if this is so, why do I receive so many effectively blank cards, the ones that only say something pre-printed like, "Merry Christmas! Love, The Smith Family"? These serve no function other than to say, "I am alive, and here is my current address." Even the ones with handwritten addresses and salutations are of little use--I appreciate the (modestly) personal touch, but how does this help me keep in contact with you? Better, and cheaper, to just send an email if all you want to do is say "Merry Christmas" and include no more information.
My family does send out cards with pre-printed labels. But we also enclose a current photo of the kids and a letter of how our year has gone. In this way we hope to add value to the communication. This, I feel, is a much better way to "keep in touch" with loved ones. Therefore,
Revised Behavior #1: When sending out Christmas/holiday cards, be sure to add value with a personal message, photo, or something similar. Otherwise, don't bother.
BEHAVIOR #2: DON'T START EATING UNTIL EVERYONE IS SERVED
This one has been bothering me for years. Clearly, you don't want to kill a pleasant conversation by being the only one to dive into your food, and you don't want to gloat about how you have food while others don't. Nevertheless, speaking as an entirely amateur cook, I think this one is misguided, for a couple of reasons:
- If a cook wanted you to begin at the same time, he would serve you at the same time. Sometimes this is not logistically possible; but I have had situations where people have let their meat get cold and tough rather than eating when I give them the prefectly cooked food. It's an affront to your host.
- Most importantly, it imposes an obligation on the foodless without their consent. It says, "Look at me, I'm sacrificing my food enjoyment so you won't feel bad." I don't know about you, but I don't want to incur debts this way, minor though they may be.
BEHAVIOR #3: BRINGING FOOD OR WINE TO DINNERS OR PARTIES
This is widely regarded as the "Nice thing to do," since you're trying to relieve the stress of the host's duties. However, unless I'm throwing a potluck, I've planned what I want to serve and when I want to serve it. The insertion of foreign matter only complicates things. Not long ago we threw a hamburgers-and-hot-dogs barbecue to which one well-intentioned guest brought an entire chicken to roast. Even if it's just a matter of someone bringing over a plate of cookies, it's entirely possible that this will throw a carefully planned serving area out of whack.
Wine is the worst. I have some appreciation of wine; therefore, when I serve a meal I try to match the wine to the dish--almost as if it were its own course. So what should I do if, as a host, I'm serving a rib roast and someone brings a watery Sauvignon Blanc? The pressure to open and serve the proffered wine is strong.
Revised Behavior #3: Call your host well before the event and ASK if you can bring something. Do NOT bring food or beverage unless you are asked. If you absolutely must bring wine, be prepared for your host to consider it a present to be consumed at another time.
Many, many more such examples are possible...one day, we will be able to cast off the chains that have bound us and live again as free men and women in a society that will be thoughtfully polite.
Technorati Tags:
Politeness, Manners, Rude, Behavior, Entertaining, Nietzsche, Values
posted by Jeff at 9:43 AM
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